Sometimes in therapy, you have a breakthrough. I’m learning that those usually come on days when I feel I have nothing to talk about. I go into the session thinking “what should I say? Nothing has happened? Am I just wasting her time? And my money?”
And then we start talking and something comes out of my mouth, something seemingly mundane, and then my therapist says “It occurs to me that…” and I’m trying to answer her, but I’m crying, so I can’t talk. And I know why I’m crying; I’m crying because she has hit on the truth and it feels a bit like that time when the neurologist hit my knee with a little hammer to test my reflexes. The reaction was instantaneous, powerful and totally out of my control.
Today I had a profound realization. I understood why I feel a particular way, why certain things trigger me to react negatively. I truly understood it for the first time. It doesn’t mean the triggers will stop – but maybe it means I can be kinder to myself when they happen. Maybe just shining the light of understanding will help.