It’s hard for me to post this selfie.
I don’t like it.
I don’t think it’s a good drawing.
And so much of my life is about pleasing everyone else, impressing everyone else, trying to make everyone like me. Because they will only like me if they see an idealized version, not if they see the real me.
I think I have to start being myself even when I think people won’t like it.
So, in that spirit, this might be a bad drawing, but it’s my bad drawing.
Today’s therapy session was a very powerful one. I need time to process everything we talked about.
I never watched The Gilmore Girls when it was on, but now I am binge-watching on Netflix. I’m only halfway through season 2, so don’t spoil it for me (unless you’re going to tell me that Lorelei realizes she loves Luke and they live happily ever after).
I want that life. I want a town where everyone knows me and loves me for my quirks. I want Melissa McCarthy to be my best friend and make me cakes. I want Luke to pour me coffee and be grumpy even while he secretly loves me. I want Miss Patty to teach me yoga. But since I can’t have it in real life, I go to Stars Hollow every evening and just wallow.
I’m sorry I look like a convict in this selfie. It’s been a bad day.
Tomorrow is the start of a group exhibition that includes two of my paintings. This is only my fifth or sixth exhibition – I spent years not painting, and even more years not even showing my work to friends and family – and I am becoming comfortable with the idea that my work belongs.
I haven’t seen the show yet, and it will be a few days before I can get there, but I feel confident that my work belongs and that is a huge step forward for me.
This morning was glorious. There is no other word for it.
It was cold and crisp and everything was covered in frost. The clouds were low over the valley but I was up above them, seeing only clear blue skies and sunshine. It felt like a metaphor.
The light was breathtaking. I was supposed to be walking the dog but I just kept stopping to take pictures and say ‘wow’ and tell Riley how lucky we are to live where we do.
So many times this year I have tried to talk myself into gratitude. But on a morning like this one, you don’t have to try.
That’s what I’m doing this evening.
People don’t generally celebrate Thanksgiving here, it being very much an American holiday, but we’ve had a dinner for the last few years. We invite some of our closest friends and eat a roast dinner and drink wine and I am always thankful for the time I get to spend with them all.
So my stuffing is made. My nut roast is done. My dessert is ready. All I have to do is make some gravy, cook the turkey breast for the meat eaters, roast the potatoes and root vegetables, and steam some green veggies and none of that needs to be done until later this evening when people start arriving, so for now I am having a cup of tea and a sneaky rest!
Today’s selfie was done blind, as you probably guessed 🙂
I’m feeling OK today. I have a good perspective on things.
You wouldn’t know it from this drawing. This is why trying to draw yourself while looking in the mirror is a bad idea. You just capture the intense concentration except it looks like misery!