That Voice

That voice in my head is back with a vengeance.

I’m trying to so hard to make a life that has nothing to do with the things that make me unhappy. But the whole time, there is this nasty negative voice whispering in my ear.

It’s been with my my whole life, but I only just really became aware of it and the power it has over me.

Tonight at my beginner’s yoga class, it was there the whole time. “What do you think you’re doing? Do you realize how ridiculous you look? Look at how little and stubby your legs are compared to the teacher’s? See how slim and young and fit she is? Those are the kind of people who should be doing yoga. Not people like you… not people who are old and fraying around the edges. She smiles at you but she probably just thinks you’re pathetic. You are pathetic.”

And the worst thing is that I know objectively that all this is rubbish. I know that beauty comes from within and that it shines from some people regardless of how conventionally “attractive” they are. I know that strangers at a yoga class don’t look around, spot me, and say “she’s pathetic!” But I feel as though they do. And I do. And it shrivels me up inside and makes me less fun and less interesting and less adventurous than I want to be.

I hate that voice. But of course that voice is mine, so that just perpetuates the cycle of negativity.

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I don’t want to give up on this project so far into it, but I am getting tired of hearing my own whining, so I may take a break from writing about how I’m feeling and just post the images for a while.

I don’t know. I’ll see how tomorrow goes.

 

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3 thoughts on “That Voice

  1. POLLY BARBACOVI

    Antidepressants help the chemical imbalance in our brains and clears the fog in our head. It just makes the chemical balance what it should be naturally. It is like a ton has been lifted from your shoulders and you can think clearly again. Talk to your doctor.

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  2. Pingback: Distancing | A Year of Me

  3. thebigshedart

    Please don’t give up on this project Louise, and don’t stop writing about how you’re feeling if it is helping you at all, in any way. I do understand though, sometimes I avoid seeing or talking to friends simply because I just know that when they ask me how I am, I’m going to tell them! 😉 But I know that what most helps me to cope is being aware that other people go through the same stuff, and that they understand. We’re not all ‘wired’ in the same way, and some of us are plagued by constantly questioning and doubting ourselves. I’m decorating at the moment, very very slowly, as each stroke of the brush is accompanied by taunts in my head of, “look what a mess you’re making of this! That’s not blended in! This will look worse than it did before! Why did you even start! The paint may have been dulling and worn, but at least it was done properly! Next you’re going to have to sand that, and you’re useless at sanding. Why not give up now! …” – sound familiar? 🙂 I have no solutions I’m afraid but at least take comfort from knowing you’re not alone. xx

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