That voice in my head is back with a vengeance.
I’m trying to so hard to make a life that has nothing to do with the things that make me unhappy. But the whole time, there is this nasty negative voice whispering in my ear.
It’s been with my my whole life, but I only just really became aware of it and the power it has over me.
Tonight at my beginner’s yoga class, it was there the whole time. “What do you think you’re doing? Do you realize how ridiculous you look? Look at how little and stubby your legs are compared to the teacher’s? See how slim and young and fit she is? Those are the kind of people who should be doing yoga. Not people like you… not people who are old and fraying around the edges. She smiles at you but she probably just thinks you’re pathetic. You are pathetic.”
And the worst thing is that I know objectively that all this is rubbish. I know that beauty comes from within and that it shines from some people regardless of how conventionally “attractive” they are. I know that strangers at a yoga class don’t look around, spot me, and say “she’s pathetic!” But I feel as though they do. And I do. And it shrivels me up inside and makes me less fun and less interesting and less adventurous than I want to be.
I hate that voice. But of course that voice is mine, so that just perpetuates the cycle of negativity.
I don’t want to give up on this project so far into it, but I am getting tired of hearing my own whining, so I may take a break from writing about how I’m feeling and just post the images for a while.
I don’t know. I’ll see how tomorrow goes.