Today I drove to a place that I last visited two and a half years ago when things were very different and I felt everything was alive with possibility.
It’s nothing special, just a pull-in next to a quiet country lane. It’s only significance is my state of mind the last time I stopped there. But it felt important to go there, to remember those feelings and then to acknowledge that that time is past and it won’t be coming back.
I shed a few tears and I asked for help. I’m not religious so I don’t suppose I was asking God. Just asking whatever there is – the air, the trees, my own mind, the universe… I have no idea. After I asked, I had the urge to get out of the car and that’s when I saw the river, flowing down below. I hadn’t noticed it last time I was there.
The thing about water is that it just flows. It never stops. It changes constantly. and it doesn’t resist those changes. Watching it, I got a glimpse of grace. I unclenched a little. I breathed. The pain was still there but so was something else. So was hope.
Later I walked my new dog Riley. I was with my husband. We’ve only had him two days and – as a natural-born worrier – I have been fretting about whether we will bond. For moat of the walk, Riley and I were ahead of my husband and he (the dog) was fine with that. But at one point, I stopped to take a picture and they got ahead. My husband called back to me: “Look at him – he’s waiting for you.” Sure enough, Riley had stopped and was waiting to see what I would do. He wouldn’t keep walking until I had caught up.
My heart filled with love for him. My little rescue dog who, in that moment, rescued me.
Grace again. Twice in one day.
Today’s drawing is from memory.