I like this drawing. I didn’t look at the paper until the initial drawing was completed, then added some shading, hatching and colour.
Somehow I always capture more when I shut off the thinking and filters and just draw – and at the moment, the only way I know how to do that is to not look at what I’m doing.
That’s how it feels this last few days. The air is clear and calm and fresh in the way it is after a really bad storm.
My goal is to be able to weather the storms better as I go on. I know they’ll always come, but I hope to be able to stand steady as the rain and wind whips around, instead of losing myself.
I didn’t want to see Mandy today.
Having felt bad for the last few days, I felt as though I was somehow flunking a test. Like there’s a ‘getting better’ process that you’re supposed to move through, step by step, without ever slipping backwards.
And because I hadn’t done that, I didn’t want to go. But I’m so glad I did.
Mandy is my therapist, and she sometimes gets this look when I’m talking, like she’s thinking “Huh? Say what??”
I love that look. Because I know it means this distressing thought or idea that I was SO sure of, and that I thought everyone would see my way, is actually a little bit odd. And I don’t mind that, because if it’s odd, that means I can discount it and work to see things a different way.
And sure enough, the rest of the day worked to show me that I often have a skewed perspective when it comes to things that affect me. I’ve always been a very intuitive and empathic person. I can generally understand others’ feelings – even sometimes before they can – and people have always trusted me for advice for this reason.
But what I hadn’t realized until recently is that, if I am emotionally involved, everything is skewed. Those trustworthy perceptions and perspectives are not trustworthy at all. They are more like the reflections in a hall of mirrors.
So I went into my appointment with red eyes and shaky self-confidence, but came out feeling calm and centered. If only she could move in with me 🙂
Honestly I am getting tired of myself, so I cant imagine what you must be thinking.
Spent the day with my aging father-in-law. We visited his wife in the care home (she has Alzheimers) and two different old ladies asked me if I was a nurse. One was insistent that I call the police and, after my husband had guided her to a chair in the lounge, she wouldn’t let go of my hand. She told me “I have 3 children you know and they’ve been very good to me but I suddenly got a lot worse…” before trailing off into confusion and more requests for the police. So sad and a poignant reminder that I shouldn’t spend so much time dwelling on the negative.
Tonight it is rainy and chilly. The heating has gone back on and I’m painting a cow.
This is the cow
This is me 🙂
A calm day emotionally. That makes it a good day.
Helped by continuing to learn that not everything is my fault. Not everything is caused by my inadequacy. Sometimes there are other, hidden reasons for the things that happen. Actually, mostly, there are reasons other than me for the things that happen.