Anxious/Preoccupied is my attachment style apparently. This means I worry more about relationships than most people, and I never feel secure in them. I have spent my whole life feeling certain that others will see through me when they get to know me. That they only like me because they don’t know me … and that once they do know me, they will be disappointed and leave.
This feeling is so ingrained that I have always felt I am an inconvenience to other people, and that they only spend time with me out of kindness and a sense of obligation. Of course, if you feel this way, you never ask anyone to fulfil your needs. Because you don’t think your needs are as important as theirs.
As a result, you go through life with your needs unmet. Which makes you feel unloved. Which just perpetuates the cycle.
I was telling a friend recently about something I’ve wanted to do for a while. I explained to him that I hadn’t done it because I was worried about stepping on someone else’s toes. he suggested I simply ask this person out for coffee, explain what I’m thinking, and see what she thinks.
He stopped me dead in my tracks. Of course that would be the sensible thing to do. Instead of chewing over it in my head over and over again, I could just ask her.
“But she’s busy,” I said to him. “She won’t want to have coffee with me.”
“Well,” he said, “you won’t know if you don’t ask.People say no to me all the time, but some say yes and when they do, you make headway.”
Is it really that simple for some people?
I find that amazing. And enviable. And just a little bit exciting … because maybe if I keep working at this, I can see things that way too.
I really appreciated the comments on my last post. It was so nice to hear that others had the same experience and know what I’m talking about. Thanks so much for reading and for looking at my selfies. I appreciate your interest and support more than I can say.