Monthly Archives: April 2016

Dishonest

I was upset with someone today, but I didn’t express it.

I avoided someone today, but then claimed I hadn’t.

As they say in baseball, I’m o for 2 on my mission to respond honestly.

I wonder what I am so afraid of?

IMG_2140

The Woman I Drew Tonight

I have said several times that I love my bind drawn selfies. When I’m not looking and editing as I go, I feel the line is more honest, more interesting.

But as I drew another blind selfie today, I realized something else. Drawing blind allows me to see myself from outside. Outside the chatter that goes on inside my head constantly, Outside the negative voice that tells me how bad I am. Outside the idea that I am a victim. Outside the constant stories that play in my mind.

The woman I drew tonight is strong. She is proud. She is interesting. She is someone I’d like to be friends with.

The woman I drew tonight is me.

IMG_2135

No Value?

I don’t see much value in this selfie. It doesn’t look like me and it didn’t come out as I had hoped.

Like my day today, which also didn’t turn out as I had hoped.

Today I responded honestly only once.

Still, that’s one time more than usual.

IMG_2132

 

Authenticity

I started seeing a counsellor and today we talked about authenticity. Or rather, about how I don’t respond honestly to events and people. I suppose I don’t do it because I’m afraid that the real me will be somehow not good enough, although it’s not a conscious, thought-through decision. It’s just what happens, how I react.

She has challenged me to try responding honestly and just see what happens. Tonight, I did it. Not about anything particularly important. I had the opportunity to try something that I really wanted to try, but it meant stepping up in front of other people, and the little voice in my head was saying not to do it. Whispering that it would be better to lay low and not make a show of myself. But, having had that conversation this morning, I stepped up and did it anyway.

Two things happened:

a) No-one cared because they were all busy with their own stuff

b) I learned a new skill and discovered something I’d like to explore further.

I’ve said it before, but I see parallels with these blind drawings. My line is so much more authentic and interesting when I’m not editing as I go. And I have a feeling that my life will be too.

IMG_2131

 

 

Black and White

Another ink and water soluble pen drawing. This one was done in 5 minutes between baking cookies and wishing I could be in bed.

I suffer from chronic pain and have had a flair-up recently, which in turn affects my sleep. I only got a few hours last night and today I am exhausted.

I went for blood tests this morning as the first step in trying to find out what’s wrong, but it will take a few weeks for all the results to come back. Meanwhile., there’s always ibuprofen.

IMG_2126 (1)

Simple

I tend to overcomplicate things, so tonight I tried to be as simple as possible. The idea was to capture a likeness with as few lines as possible. I think I still used more than needed, but … baby steps!

IMG_2117