Mired

 

I knew when I started this project that I would have difficult times. Times when I wished I’d never started. I’m having one of those now. But it’s not because I am bored of the project – if I really think about the problem, I realize it’s that I don’t feel as though I’m getting anywhere.

I had this feeling, when I started this, that it was important for me. That it would bring about some kind of result, some kind of breakthrough; that it would somehow transform a difficult time of my life … maybe give it meaning, maybe shed light on the way forward.

So far, that hasn’t happened. In fact, nothing has happened.

Or at least that’s how it feels.

But I know this is an issue for me. I always need a purpose. I always need things to be moving forward, leading somewhere else, getting me to a goal. (Even when I have no idea what the goal is, I know I need to be getting there anyway!) But where is it that I’m in a hurry to go?

Will I get there one day and say: “Ah, here it is! The future!”

Of course not. And even if I ever did arrive at my destination, what then?

Because life isn’t like a film. After the couple kisses for the first time, there’s no director to yell ‘cut!’ and leave them frozen in time, blissed out forever. Instead, they will start dating, get married, have a few kids, run into money worries, and find themselves fighting constantly, unable to remember the last time they touched each other.

If life was like a film, the main character would get the big promotion, drink a toast to her colleagues and then the movie would end. In real life, the cameras don’t stop running and she soon finds out that her new colleagues don’t like her and her company is corrupt and the job is a lot less interesting than she thought, but still takes up all her time and energy and one day she wakes up and realizes that she has no life.

And that’s how it is … the cameras just keep running. There is no endpoint (until the obvious one that we all share). So it’s important to just pay attention to what is, instead of constantly thinking about what might be.

I have a feeling that, if I could do that – if I could stop trying to achieve something –  I might actually get the breakthrough I’ve been hoping for.

IMG_1860 (1)

This is day 74 of a 365-day selfie project. See all the paintings/drawings here.

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